Q. How do Biblical scholars know that King David rode a motorcycle?
A. Because in the Bible, it says that David's Triumph could be heard throughout the land...
Q: What do you call a group of Harley Owners with a collective IQ of 120?
Q: How is a Harley Davidson like a Porcupine?
A: Both have pricks on their back.
Q: How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
A: If you leave them alone long enough, they'll both mark their territory.
Q: What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
A: The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.
Q: Why do Harley owners have tassels on their handlebars and clothing?
A: To be able to tell if they're moving or not !
Slow Down or Stop?
The police officer had just pulled over a yuppie on a new Harley for running a stop sign.
"May I see your driver's license and registration please..." the officer asked.
"What's the problem, officer?" the yuppie replied.
"You just ran a stop sign." the officer said.
"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a single car anywhere in sight."
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and only then proceed with caution."
"You've got to be kidding me!" the yuppie said.
"It's no joke sir." the officer said flatly, pulling out his citation book and preparing to write a ticket.
"Look I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one, and proceeded with caution."
The officer sighed and slowly shook his head.
"That's beside the point sir, you are supposed to come to a complete stop and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..." the officer began.
"You sure do have a lot of time on your hands pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed this early?" the yuppie asked sneering.
"SIR!" The officer sighed. "I'll over look that last comment now let me see your license and registration immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop." the yuppie said, folding his arms across his chest.
A smile appeared on the officer's face.
"Sir, I can do better than that."
The police officer quickly jerked the rude yuppie off his Harley, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
The Missionary's Position
A missionary went to an island to teach the natives English. His first student was the tribal chief. The missionary pointed skyward and said "sky".
The Chief said "sky".
The missionary pointed to his foot and said "shoe".
The Chief said "shoe".
This is great, thought the missionary as the two began walking together. He's really catching on! After a few minutes of more such lessons, they went around a bush and saw a man and woman hot and heavy in the throes of passion. The very proper missionary, totally startled and highly embarrassed, nervously said, "Man riding bike".
Instead of responding as he had been, though, the Chief ran up and put his spear through the heart of the man on top of the woman, killing him.
The horrified missionary asked, "What in God's name did you do THAT for?"
The Chief calmly replied, "MY bike!"
Stranded On An Island
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself,
"It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks,
"It's not a boat."
The speck gets even closer and he thinks,
"It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says,
"How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says,
"Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asks,
"How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says,
"Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him,
"And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies,
"My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"
Fat Girl & Scooter
- Q: What does a fat girl and a moped have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride, but you don't want to be seen on one!
Old Dirtbiker Joke: An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a dirt biker and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight on
Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, gnarliest
hills I can find at the crack of dawn."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's
still alive... he's a dirt biker."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 117 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went dirt bikin' with you this Sunday too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!! Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
Astride his shiny new 125, Frank was thoroughly excited about going riding in the mountains for the first time. After going only a few miles, Frank was surprised to see what appeared to be a half-acre of brown fur just off the trail ahead. Recognizing it as a huge grizzly bear, Frank nailed the throttle hard, hoping to get by before the bear could react. The bear was too quick, though, and with one leap was totally blocking the trail. Frank had no choice but to stop.
"Now that you've disturbed my sleep", said the bear, "you have two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Frightened beyond belief, Frank decided to bend over.
Still sore a week later, Frank vowed revenge. Back to the cycle shop he went, where he traded in the 125 for a hot 250. Soon he was back on the mountain, heading down the trail. It wasn't long at all before he spotted the grizzly again, napping beside the trail. Feeling certain he had the necessary power this time, Frank nailed the throttle and shot ahead. But once again the bear was too quick, and again he blocked the trail. "That was a big mistake, Frank", said the bear. "But, you know the drill. Either I maul you to death or we have sex... rough sex." Fearful for his life, Frank again decided that it would be wise to comply.
This time it took weeks before Frank recovered enough to get around. But still outraged at the bear, he traded in the 250 and got the hottest 500 money could buy before heading back to the mountain. Now he could outrun the bear, and now he'd prove who was the master! And with the faster 500 under him, it took no time at all before he looked ahead and saw the huge grizzly again. Frank lowered his head, down shifted, and confidently nailed the throttle hard, rocketing ahead so quickly he was barely able to hang on. Incredibly, however, the bear was quicker still, and Frank had no choice but to come to a sliding halt in front of the bear now blocking the trail. A chill ran up his spine as he waited for the bear to speak.
"C'mon, Frank", said the bear. "Admit it. You don't come here to trail ride any more, do you?"
The Baaaaad Biker
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says
"Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"
THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.
He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl, while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming.
She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm - Taken from a Florida Newspaper.
Involumtary Muscle Contractions
The professor was lecturing about "Involuntary Muscle Contractions" when he noticed no one paying attention.
Angrily, he asked a girl on the front row, "Young lady, do you have any idea what your asshole is doing while you are having an orgasm"?
"Why yes", she answered. " He is usually out in the garage polishing his Harley".
know what the hardest part of riding a scooter is?
telling your parents you're gay.
i'm really worried
i've been afraid my wife has been fooling around on me.
so i hid behind the shop the other night when i saw her getting out of some one else's truck buttoning her shirt.
i squated down behind my bike as she pulled her panties out of her purse and put them on.
as i hid behind my bike i noticed the swing arm was cracked
do you think i can weld it or do i need to replace it??
Her: Dear diary, im scared my husband is cheating on me. Today he came home from work late. He didn't say where he was. He didn't hug me, and he didn't talk to me. He seemed distracted during dinner, and when I asked him what's wrong he said "Nothing." We went to bed and made love and he didn't seem like himself. Im scared.
His: Dear diary, my damn bike wouldn't start after work today. I pushed it home and spent an hour in the garage with it, and I can't figure it out. I don't want to have to take the car to work tomorrow. But, I did get laid tonight.
Q: What do you call a Harley that doesn't leak oil?
Q: What do you do if a Hell's Angel throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.
Q: What do you do if a Hell's Angel throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.
Q: How do you break a Harley owner’s finger?
A: Kick him in the butt.
Q: Where do you put money to hide it from a harley rider?
A: In the bathroom...under the soap.
Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party.
He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks,
"What's your IQ?"
The man answers,
"That is wonderful!" says Albert.
"We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks,
"What's your IQ?"
The lady answers, "143."
"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks,
"What's your IQ?"
The man answers, "58."
Albert's face lights up as he exclaims, "So you're the one who rides the Harley parked out front!"
God & Arthur Davidson
The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world,your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,
"I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God,
"Hey, aren't you the inventor of women? "
God said, "Ah, yes. "
"Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention."
God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... " God said to Arthur. "But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours."
A Biker walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls:
"Bartender! Get me a drink!"
The bartender obliges, and the biker scarfs down the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls:
"Bartender! Get me another!"
The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation:
"Sir, he says, it seems that you're visibly upset. What's the problem?" The biker looks at him and snorts:
"I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!"
"Oh man," says the bartender, that's rough... "What did you do?" The biker says:
"Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out nekkid, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never EVER to come back."
"Wow," says the bartender in awe: "That's tough man, what did you do to your friend?"
"Well," says the biker, "I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed HIM by the scruff of the neck, and I said: BAD DOG."